losing time

losing time

Mental illness has taken so much from me. I have lost decades of my life dealing with finding the right treatment for my mental illness. I have lost friends, I have lost jobs, I have lost people I was interested in. I have lost time as a youth. They say youth is wasted on the young. Youth is wasted to mental illness.

The time during which you have no idea what is going on is the worst. Starting in high school, paranoia sets in. Then you get used to that. Reality becomes skewed and you have no idea it is happening. You have psychotic breaks and simply live in fear. Darkness and pain and confusion are your trusted advisors. They tell you about the world around you. They tell you how to act. They keep you from living life. No life is “normal”, but it a life with mental illness is hell.

Not being able to trust reality, misunderstanding actions of others, acting according to some false values and thoughts, you wander through life trying to make it. You get to the point of being so out of touch with what is real, you can’t trust your own version of what is happening. You start living up to some code of life that is so distorted it is amazing that you even made it here. Fear guides you and shit scares the fuck out of you.

But what can you do? It’s all you know. Is the world really evil? Are your thoughts valid? Did that really happen? You don’t know. You can’t trust your eyes and you certainly can’t trust your memory. Looking back you can see some signs of what could have been different, but it is gone. Those moments you could have had with a different life are lost to your best friend. Your companion is your understanding of a world that doesn’t exist.

You can be mad and live in regret. Or, you can work to make the most out of life. You can choose to try and live for today, to build a future that looks bright. You can stick to your treatment plan and try to deal with episodes as they arise and try avoid shit that is going to set it all off again. It will always be there, you can be sure of that. Don’t worry it’s not going anywhere.

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