light and shadows
The thoughts of mania are incredible. The quickness and fluidity of mind, the high of energy, the absolute certainty of your ideas. This is very powerful stuff. It is addicting. It is a high. It’s also very dangerous.
Art flows from me without end, there are a million ideas and so much energy to see them all to fruition. There is a drive that cannot be matched by any amount of coffee or drugs or alcohol. It is all natural. The problem is that is a misappropriation of chemicals in my brain.
But the work I can do, the ideas I formulate, the drive to complete art, the high that comes is almost worth it. It is something that I don’t feel I need to correct. I can’t even tell it is happening. Things just become clear, ideas come that would have never been brought to light before. I have an energy that I can work for hours without any consequence of fatigue. My brain is a machine and it can’t be stopped.
Mania has attributed many breakthroughs in my work. It has lead me down paths hidden by the world of self-doubt and limited by what I previously believed to be impossible. I see so clearly what I am meant to do. I have figured out the complete system that governs art, scaled the walls, slipped past the guards and drilled into the safe of creativity.
A new art form is born. A new procedure is unearthed. New ideas about the process in which I create and discovered. The feeling and exhilaration of a new world is intoxicating.
With mania comes severe paranoia. The world knows my every thought and it is trying to manipulate them. People know who I am. They can hear me think. They can hear the voices speaking to me. They understand my desires and fears. The world is adapting to take advantage of me.
Then the darkness falls. The mind clouds into self-doubt and shame in a slow fog of thick sadness. The once uncontrollable high becomes an unending pain and stiffness of the heart. Nothing will bring enjoyment or happiness. Things once so important are now inconsequential. Life loses it’s meaning and all I can think of is the escape.
This is mania and the depression that follows. The up and down swing. The two sides of the same coin of insanity. An extreme of two polar opposites.