how do those people know me

how do those people know me

They all know you. They are all looking at you. They are pointing you out. They are talking about you. They are laughing at you. They all want to hurt you.

You are afraid to leave the safety of your apartment. They are all out there. People. They have it in for you. They know who you are and hate you. They want to hurt you.

You walk down the street in fear. You have to operate under these circumstances. You have to go to work. You have to stifle the screaming voice to run. The voices in your head are telling you things. You know things. You don’t know how, but you do. They are telling you to do things. You don’t want to, but it is your head and you have to trust it.

You think this medication is going to help you. You are going to feel much better. The thoughts and voices will go away. But why are they still there? Why is the fear still there? Why are you still so confused by other people? Didn’t you just spend a week in a psych ward seeing a doctor everyday and protecting yourself from the outside world? Didn’t you talk to other people going through the same thing? Didn’t they tell you that you are fine now. Just take 2 of these, 1 of these and go about your life.

It takes time and strength to go back and tell them it’s not right. They are still out there. The voices still have their commands. You have a rough time trying to explain what is going on because you don’t know how you are supposed to feel. You don’t know what being “well” feels like. There goes another week of isolation and lost time. Here, take these now. The other ones were wrong. These ones will work. You’ll be back to normal in no time.

The cycle goes on for years. Decades. All the while you are NOT well. You are NOT better. But they tell you that you are, so maybe this is as good as it gets. Until you get that right combination. That perfect mix of this chemical and that, this time frame. And you finally feel better. You can start living life in a meaningful way. You can stop hurting those around you, if you are lucky, you can stop losing people.

But are you really fine? Is this reality true? Is this what it is to have the right thoughts and perceptions? You will never know. Not for sure.

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