got life?

got life?

We all have it. It is what we do with it that matters.

I have lost half of mine to pain, confusion, darkness, death, psychotic breaks. I should be mad. I should feel sorry for myself. There was a point in which I thought I could not go on – nor wanted to. I should grieve the life I could have had.

But that is not how life is. It is hell. It is shadows and lies. It is loss. But it is also light. It is love, joy, hope, fun, humor, enthusiasm. It can be so much more than what we were dealt. The key is to finding that ray of sun and holding onto it with all our might and rappel into the light.

If I were to have fallen prey to my illness – a deadly illness, I would not be here today. Sitting on a bed in a sparsely furnished apartment with no one to trust and only fear and psychosis to guide me, my only thought was the blast of a single shot. I round to the head, the splatter on the wall behind me, the release from the pain, the end of it all. That would show life who was in charge.

But I fought off the thoughts of death, battled the voices telling me that was the answer to my problems. One phone call from a loved one out of months of silence reminded me that there was more to life. That maybe what was happening to me was not what I thought. Maybe I could fix it. Maybe reality was more than what I was processing in my fucked up head.

I got my first diagnosis and even though it was wrong, it was that of a mental illness. There was such a rush of emotion and relief passed over me that I felt alive for the first time in years. I felt hope and saw the darkness for what it was. There was a very long and treacherous road ahead, but the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.

I have lost half of mine to pain, confusion, darkness, death, psychotic breaks. I should be mad. I should feel sorry for myself. There was a point in which I thought I could not go on – nor wanted to. I should grieve the life I could have had.

But that is not how life is. It is hell. It is shadows and lies. It is loss. But it is also light. It is love, joy, hope, fun, humor, enthusiasm. It can be so much more than what we were dealt. The key is to finding that ray of sun and holding onto it with all our might and rappel into the light.

If I were to have fallen prey to my illness – a deadly illness, I would not be here today. Sitting on a bed in a sparsely furnished apartment with no one to trust and only fear and psychosis to guide me, my only thought was the blast of a single shot. I round to the head, the splatter on the wall behind me, the release from the pain, the end of it all. That would show life who was in charge.

But I fought off the thoughts of death, battled the voices telling me that was the answer to my problems. One phone call from a loved one out of months of silence reminded me that there was more to life. That maybe what was happening to me was not what I thought. Maybe I could fix it. Maybe reality was more than what I was processing in my fucked up head.

I got my first diagnosis and even though it was wrong, it was that of a mental illness. There was such a rush of emotion and relief passed over me that I felt alive for the first time in years. I felt hope and saw the darkness for what it was. There was a very long and treacherous road ahead, but the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.